They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
