Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
