in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
