my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
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