The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
