i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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