i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
