Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
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When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
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Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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