Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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