I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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