Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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