No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
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He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
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I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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