Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
