I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
