I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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