i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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