Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
There are leaves in my underwear?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
