be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
