I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
