i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
this boner is exhausting
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
