The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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