If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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