i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
