i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
