I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
