He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
