Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
