don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
