i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I have aggressive nipples.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
