my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
