I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
