i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
