Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
