do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
