Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
