Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
