I molested 6 butterflies tonight
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
