I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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