If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
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Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
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I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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