I'm gonna have a badass scar
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
that may or may not have been my penis.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
