final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
