Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
