just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
