insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
