When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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