I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
