no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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