I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
