That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
