Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
