Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I need to calm my uterus...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
