So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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