HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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