You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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