my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
