so explain again why im purple
no
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
