ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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